What Not To Wear

Tom Ford once said* that the key to being a “fashionable” person is consistency…and if that is the case then I know for a fact that I consistently dress like a) a homeless person B) a disco queen or c) a school marm…does that make me fashionable?

I mean, yes I prefer loose flowy tops and dresses aka “teen pretgo tops and dresses” and if not that then ANYTHING bedazzled or jewel toned and if not that I prefer insanely structured clothes with pinstripes, and French cuffs and starchy collars and cardigans…I can’t help it. But lately, I do feel like I really don’t know how to dress myself anymore and I really am stuck in a fashion rut that is worthy of one of those make me over shows where they give you 5 grand to shop and make “new” outfits.

Sigh, I could really go for 5 grand for clothes right now actually…I would buy a shadow striped suit with both pants and skirt option probs from Boss since their cuts fit me alright and then a Thomas Pink slim cut French cuff button down in a jewel tone color, ballet flats from ‘Gamo and then maybe a cardigan from target…and that is all that budget would allow for but I do think those are some great finds. DOH, see consistency!

Anyhoo, so where am I going with this? OH YES! So yesterday when I was reading life-a-roni’s blog, R’s recent blog entry “characters that inspire my fashion sense” and I thought to myself “myself you should make your own post” So here we go the top five celebrities and/or movie/tv show characters that inspire me:

1. Vera Prescott in The Secret to My Success
   
   I really don’t know if it is so much the outfits or her overall cougar lifestyle that I love so much but this woman is amazing and ever since a child I thought to myself: this is the kinda lady we should be (a pervy fit old rich woman FTW). I mean the shoulder pads, the heavy eye shadow and brows, the uber curly hair, the house in the Hamptons…I mean, what is not to love? Nothing if you ask me.
   
   
2. Pavarotti and Neil Diamond
   
   SERIOUSLY!!! Cat suits and sequins and capes, oh my! SIGN ME UP! In the words of Rachel Zoe “loves me some sequins” and yes Rachel I loves me some too.
   
   
3. Veronica Palmer in Better off Ted**
   
   I mean, really! She has the whole power executive look down pat***. From the hair, the shoes, the suits, it just all exudes power and that is something I attain to. Unfortch, I just look like a little wrapped sausage in my too tight suit and shirt because I am a stage one chunkler right now but that is beside the point. See that 5 grand in makeover shopping money would certainly go handy now, just sayin.
   
   
4. The Olsen Twins
   
   Take a good look at the picture above. Did you take a good look? Okay, so if you see someone wandering the streets of San Francisco who looks like this but is, oh say 1,000 lbs heavier, please make sure to say hi because it is me. I don’t know what it is about this look that appeals to me, maybe the lack of effort except for the shoes and bags…anyone who knows me can tell you that I overall lack effort 80% of the time unless it comes to shoes and bags…and food but that is where I trump the olsens if you ask me.
   
   
5. Miranda in The Devil Wears Prada
   
   Oh, one day Gravy Train one day. This woman is elegance personified, she always looks perfectly put together, her clothes are classy with an edge…and CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE SHOES AND HAND BAGS?!?! Oh Em Gee indeed.
   
   
6. The Red Heather in Heathers****
   
   I love love love love love the preppy look, like beyond love. And the Red Heather was all this and more. I mean the penny loafers, pleated skirts, cardigans, hellz to the yes.

This post is dedicated to corn nuts

* I think I am totally making that up by the way, but I know it was a famous fashion designer so I think it was Tom Ford because dude is always wearing the same shiz.

** honestly is this show canceled? I mean it was totally brilliant and if that is the case it would make me uber sad

***Is this how you say this? I am soooooo not good with sayings and for many years ran around saying getting your bunnies in a row

****True story: Vicky B, Pistol and I had matching Bass penny loafers in high school that we put dimes in because we thought pennies were lame.

Open Letter to Gretchen

Dear Gretchen,

My name is Gravy Train and I too am the latest housewife (San Francisco based) of my own reality show*.

I have to say when you were first introduced in the fifth season opener, I didn’t particularly like you. Like the rest of the female population, when you came on scene with a guy old enough to be Father Christmas I did have to question your intentions with the man. I laughed, at not with, when your future step-daughter told you to get a job** or like when the other girls were mean to you...to be honest I kinda felt like you deserved it.

However, the more time I spend in my new role as a housewife the more I find that you and I have more and more in common than I could have originally imagined. Like for starters, when you went to that sample sale party with the tacky clothes and you were practically eaten alive by the other housewives with taunts of gold digging and daddy stealing…I feel you (except for the tacky clothes…I love me a good animal print any day of the week, but seriously…seriously). Or like when the same alleged women try to “make you feel welcome” by making snide remarks of future divorces and prenuptial agreements thus questioning the very existence of your well-funded relationship…um, hello, that is totally me.

So I guess what I am really trying to say, Gretchen, is that while I can’t really support your consistent use of fake nails or your complete lack of knowledge of the world economy, politics, or pretty much anything else that does not have to do spending your fiancé's money***, I will no longer judge you nor make snarky comments whilst watching your noble prize worthy show. Friends?!?!

Xoxo,
Gravy Train


This blog is dedicated to French manicures and airbrush designs


*Still pitching Bravo on the Real Housewives of San Francisco concept, so please put in a good word for me.
** Further proof that I would home school my kids if I ever regrettably have them. Not to be a trader to younger generations but seriously how clueless are these people?!?!
***Although he is in the automotive industry n’est pas? So I REALLY do think you need to pay attention to what is going in the world…no judgment, but I am just simply saying, don’t be caught with your pants down.

Egads Cinderella, We’ve got To Get You Ready for the Ball

Okay, I know I promised tales of my honeymoon romps and whatnot but I think I have already told all three of my readers about my ventures so you could wait for a few more days for my back logged posts. We have more pressing matters to discuss, like Gravy attending her first society function as a married woman…GASP.

Tonight (la la la la la tonight) Xtian and I have been invited to attend the holiday party of a trés well-know, high-powered lawyer (think Cher’s dad in Clueless but like not crazy) at his home in the fancy pants Presidio district. Talking real estate, his house is probs one of the most baller houses in SF that makes you drool and perhaps a little green.

This holiday event is anticipated, and well attended, by many of the SF glitterati so being invited is a true honor (that and he just so happens to be insanely good friends with my husband…who is 28 mind you…but I digress). While this is not the first time I attend these types of events, this will be the first time (well second if you consider Xtians holiday party…where we were seated alongside a legendary financier who pretty much funded EVERYTHING successful on the Internets…take that pets.com) as an SF Housewife so I kinda feel like it is a big deal.

I wake up this morning in a tizzy since I have STILL to decide what I am going to wear and, of course, this is the one Friday I have to go into the office so I cannot lounge around the loft working on my laptop whilst I read up on current political events (Chechnya…chech-ne-ah) with rollers in my hair and slathered in moisturizer to get that J.Lo glow. BLASTS.

I have narrowed the costume selections down to a few options but I think if I am to make a dignified impression I need to make sure to keep the outfit classy* yet sassy. This means boobage covered (this is SF housewives not OC) but still play the sexiness a little perhaps with a little fitted dress in a jeweled toned color that plays up my Latin-ness…added bonus is that this gives Xtain that “exotic housewife” cred. HA HA. As for shoes, I think I need to go with a little bling that compliments my cute pedicure (THANKS D!)...either of the Blahnik or Wiseman variety…side note: I really do need to buy more gold shoes.

As for the various conversation I will be having as I work the room, I have prepared a few taking points that should get me throughout the night. Thanks to my nephews, Elias and Tobias, my knowledge of kid stuff should cover me with the other housewives (Kumon makes a great supplemental program to strengthen math skills, for my money CMTSJ has one of the best theater program in the South Bay, and learning Korean is the new Mandarin)…check. As for the partners, lawyers, financiers and other over-all ballers, I will have to rely on today’s WSJ, NYT, FT.com headlines and my extensive knowledge in technology to contribute good conversation. If that fails, I will wow them with my study in astrophysics…that should cover me well right?
Well wish me luck kids and I promise retelling of stories of champers falling from the heavens and velvet ropes parting like the sea.

This post is dedicated to Spanx

*Haven’t you noticed that when people say they keep it classy it is because they are tacky as hell? I am classy.