Open Letter To Jill Zarin

Dear Jill,

Seriously, what the hell? I really liked you, I really did, but something about this season to me has completely turned me off, along with your wannabe crony friend LuAnn.

What’s up with all the nastiness towards everyone babes? I mean first there is the whole Bethany thing …I don’t even know where to start at. I mean yes, she told you to get a life, but based on your reaction this season, you truly should get a life. She is busy, she has work, she has a new man. Yes. So talking 20 times a day may be a bit too much. Oh did I mention she has a job, yeah? Good.

But it’s not just Bethany that makes me not like you, let’s talk a gander down judgmental memory lane to see where else you have faltered as a dear old friend:

• The Brooklyn Fashion Show: Really? You thought that the best use of your time at a charity fashion show was to criticize the fashions down the runway and then make fun of your fellow cast mates instead of providing support. That just made me sad because it takes a lot of courage to walk down a runway with people judging you, I should know, I was a former model.*
• Ramona’s Skin Care Line Party at Equinox: First of all, how was equinox? I am really, really, really considering switching gyms once my ankle situation improves. Where was I going with this? OH YES, I mean really did you need to walk in there with all of your god damned opinions…it is a freaking skin care line, get over it.
• LuAnn’s evite to the Cocktails and Couture: HA HA, I did have to laugh because I too think evites are overall tacky but seriously this is not your event so shut your pie hole. I mean this is coming from the same woman who lets her stupid yelpy ass little dog poo on people then disses their “rubber” shoes. Ass.

Need I say more? No? Alright then.

I mean I have friends who are delusional half the time about how they have been wronged (though they really haven’t) and now they are a force to be reckoned with. Or how their poor choices are really not so poor because they are getting back at someone or something and it is that someone or something’s fault other than their own. So I guess I kinda get it. But not really because in the words of Kelly (though she meant this towards Bethany) “you are really really mean dude.” Totes unwarranted.

It actually kind of reminds me of the wannabes at school who tried so desperately to be popular and then in an afterlife of college, or strip joints, or whatevers they found their inner selves and decided that the best use of that self discovery was to be mean to other people. Laughable.

Anyway, I guess all I am trying to say…Jill Zarin…is that you should learn to take a good unbiased look in the mirror to make sure you are not the one being an asshole here. Just sayin.

In other news, OMG did anyone peep the life size portrait of Sonja and her dog? IN CASE YOU MISSED IT:

HA HA, I MUST get one of these for the loft of me and my fabulous new dog Tara Reid.

This post is dedicated to Pinot Grigo

*OMG, this is totes not true but it fits in with the story line so go with it.

What Not To Wear

Tom Ford once said* that the key to being a “fashionable” person is consistency…and if that is the case then I know for a fact that I consistently dress like a) a homeless person B) a disco queen or c) a school marm…does that make me fashionable?

I mean, yes I prefer loose flowy tops and dresses aka “teen pretgo tops and dresses” and if not that then ANYTHING bedazzled or jewel toned and if not that I prefer insanely structured clothes with pinstripes, and French cuffs and starchy collars and cardigans…I can’t help it. But lately, I do feel like I really don’t know how to dress myself anymore and I really am stuck in a fashion rut that is worthy of one of those make me over shows where they give you 5 grand to shop and make “new” outfits.

Sigh, I could really go for 5 grand for clothes right now actually…I would buy a shadow striped suit with both pants and skirt option probs from Boss since their cuts fit me alright and then a Thomas Pink slim cut French cuff button down in a jewel tone color, ballet flats from ‘Gamo and then maybe a cardigan from target…and that is all that budget would allow for but I do think those are some great finds. DOH, see consistency!

Anyhoo, so where am I going with this? OH YES! So yesterday when I was reading life-a-roni’s blog, R’s recent blog entry “characters that inspire my fashion sense” and I thought to myself “myself you should make your own post” So here we go the top five celebrities and/or movie/tv show characters that inspire me:

1. Vera Prescott in The Secret to My Success
   
   I really don’t know if it is so much the outfits or her overall cougar lifestyle that I love so much but this woman is amazing and ever since a child I thought to myself: this is the kinda lady we should be (a pervy fit old rich woman FTW). I mean the shoulder pads, the heavy eye shadow and brows, the uber curly hair, the house in the Hamptons…I mean, what is not to love? Nothing if you ask me.
   
   
2. Pavarotti and Neil Diamond
   
   SERIOUSLY!!! Cat suits and sequins and capes, oh my! SIGN ME UP! In the words of Rachel Zoe “loves me some sequins” and yes Rachel I loves me some too.
   
   
3. Veronica Palmer in Better off Ted**
   
   I mean, really! She has the whole power executive look down pat***. From the hair, the shoes, the suits, it just all exudes power and that is something I attain to. Unfortch, I just look like a little wrapped sausage in my too tight suit and shirt because I am a stage one chunkler right now but that is beside the point. See that 5 grand in makeover shopping money would certainly go handy now, just sayin.
   
   
4. The Olsen Twins
   
   Take a good look at the picture above. Did you take a good look? Okay, so if you see someone wandering the streets of San Francisco who looks like this but is, oh say 1,000 lbs heavier, please make sure to say hi because it is me. I don’t know what it is about this look that appeals to me, maybe the lack of effort except for the shoes and bags…anyone who knows me can tell you that I overall lack effort 80% of the time unless it comes to shoes and bags…and food but that is where I trump the olsens if you ask me.
   
   
5. Miranda in The Devil Wears Prada
   
   Oh, one day Gravy Train one day. This woman is elegance personified, she always looks perfectly put together, her clothes are classy with an edge…and CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE SHOES AND HAND BAGS?!?! Oh Em Gee indeed.
   
   
6. The Red Heather in Heathers****
   
   I love love love love love the preppy look, like beyond love. And the Red Heather was all this and more. I mean the penny loafers, pleated skirts, cardigans, hellz to the yes.

This post is dedicated to corn nuts

* I think I am totally making that up by the way, but I know it was a famous fashion designer so I think it was Tom Ford because dude is always wearing the same shiz.

** honestly is this show canceled? I mean it was totally brilliant and if that is the case it would make me uber sad

***Is this how you say this? I am soooooo not good with sayings and for many years ran around saying getting your bunnies in a row

****True story: Vicky B, Pistol and I had matching Bass penny loafers in high school that we put dimes in because we thought pennies were lame.

Video Tuesday Extravaganza

This post is dedicated to Pistol

Envious of Real Housewives of OC, Gravy Train Trumps Them With Her Own Post

In honor of tonight’s episode of the Real Housewives of OC and their trek to the opening race at Del Mar, I decided to post pics of my own race hats and outfits…my Kentucky Derby hats and outfits natches because that is just how I roll.

I cannot tell you how much I LOVE horses, like BEYOND love them, and horse racing is the epitome of the potential of the horse…the racing, the power, the muscles…it is just AMAZING. If you have not ever had a chance to go to races, please do so before you die.

Invited by a head honcho CEO and his rather fantastic southern socialite wife, Xtian and I headed out to Louisville so that he could conduct business of the financial kind and I could conduct business of the social kind with the races serving as a backdrop for our respective business dealings.

Day 1

Given that Xtian was already traveling for work, I made the trek out of SF solo with my hats in tow. Since I was carrying on my hats, and we had to go straight to dinner once in Louisville, I decided to dress the part and wore this fantastic black and white flowy dress with black and gold velvet peep toe shoes that made me look totally proper and super southern.

This is the only outfit I don’t have a picture of so you are going to have to trust me on this but let me just say, without sounding like my self-absorbed self, that during my layover in Chicago men stopped dead in their tracks and women commented on how fantastic I looked. Ahhh got to love those moments.

Xtian met me in the United lounge in Chicago then we made our way to our connecting flight to Louisville, first class of course because we needed extra space for my hats (a very special shout out to the ladies of that flight who gave them their own special seat) yay. Once there a black SVU waited for us to take us to dinner at Seviche. Now I am usually VERY skeptical of Latin food outside of California but let me tell you this restaurant lives up to the hype. INCREDIBLE. We headed out to our hotel after dinner so that we could get ready for the next day’s activities.

Day 2


Xtian wore a white linen suit and pale pink shirt and white leather shoes all from Boss and I wore a hat from Neiman, dress from BCBG and shoes by Dior…that I then switched out to randoms given the rain.

Given that all the men had board meetings during the day, I took advantage of the hotel gym and put in a 2 hour session that was awesome…awesomely horrid given it was in an open area next to the indoor pool and it was hot and humid. Got to love the South. After my workout, I went back upstairs to get ready for lunch and drinks at 21 Museum Hotel (this place is totally like a museum, modern and totally brill, you must also go here if you are in town) before heading out to our first race event …the Kentucky Oaks event. All of my fillies lost but I think Xtian actually won during the Oaks race…yay. After the races we went for drinks then dinner then bed (from what I can remember).

Day 3

I belive all of xtian’s suit was Zegna and shoes probs Ferragamo or Prada knowing him. I wore a hat by Millinery (for Neiman), dress by Cavalli and shoes by Blahnik…who brought her “a game”? This girl right here.

The AM meant more meetings for the boys which meant more working out for me and freaking out because I forgot my boob lifts and spanx at home. BLASTS!!! After some quick Mint Julips in the lobby bar we headed out in party busses to the races. Once there, we drank more mint julips and placed our bets for the variety of races.

The big horse to win that day was Big Brown (which my brother forced me to bet on) so everyone came out in droves to see if he would win. While Big Brown did win the Derby and was on his way to try to become a triple crown winner (he unfortch lost in the third race at Belmont) the only filly in the race, Eight Belles, that placed second broke her ankle and had to be put down. It was a very emotional experience for everyone who was there since horses really do become part of the racing community family. Ending a bit on a sour note, we watched another race then headed out to have dinner and lots of wine at Lilly’s. After that, we headed back to our hotel to have more drinks and pack as we were leaving in the AM back to reality, sigh.

This post is dedicated to Southern hospitality.

Ain't No Future in Yo Frontin'

My dearest YZA just sent me this fantastic little morsel of news that is just too good to pass up.

Apparently, according to well informed sources, 4 out of 5 Housewives of Hotlanta are broke*.

Say it with me kids...O.M.G.

I feel conned and betrayed like the time that YZA told me that Milli Vanilli were lip syncers**.

This post is dedicated to fact checking

*I don't mean to make light of other people's economic woes (we all have them during this wretched economic time) but what DOES bother me is that many of these ladies did think of themselves above EVERYONE.

** This may or may not be true, but I kinda want to say it is.